Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Start Over......





Can I just start this whole thing over again? I did not do very well the first time, as a matter of fact, some say I completely failed. I can't really argue. I have started things and left them unfinished, I have done the wrong thing more than once, I have given up on people.... including myself, I just did it wrong. So, if you don't mind.... I would like to go to sleep tonight, and when I wake, I would like to start over. I am not greedy... just give me the last ten years back. I promise to do it all different. do it better, do it right. I know I broke it the first time. I didn't mean to. I don't know how to do it better, but I figure if I do the complete opposite of what I did this first time.... I'll be just fine. Some say it was broken before I got control of it, is that possible? Did you give me a broken life from the start? If you did.... why would you do that to me? What did I do to you? Whatever it was... I am sorry. I have been lost for a long time, and I need you to find me. Fix me. Help me. What's that? Fix it myself? Yeah see, I tried that. I am incapable of loving someone, trusting someone, and believing in myself. Which one shall I fix first? And more important, how do I do it? Just give me some answers, a manual, some instructions.... something. Now you want to give me what? Oh, a word of encouragement? Does one of those null and void the thousands of words of unencouragement I got growing up? I didn't know it worked that way. You see, I am starting to think that you did this to me on purpose, that I may have had very little control over anything. I am not mad at you for it, maybe it was just an accident. But, please just hit the reset button... I'll start over and make us both proud. I am too hard, too cold, too afraid, too damaged to start from here. So, I just ask that you give me the fair and level ground that others had before me. Can you do that? Hello?........No? Alright, well thanks for the consideration.


BEN

I have not forgot about you. I never will. I miss you, but it's not your fault. I got some good news, and some bad. What do you want first? The good? Alright. Well, where do I start? Your mom and brother semm to be doing ok. They miss you, too. Notre Dame is finally a football powerhouse again, and the Cavs' seem playoff bound. Wish you were here to see this Lebron James kid. He seems to be the next Micheal Jordan.... and he plays in Cleveland!!! Bad news time though.... Remember what I said about Notre Dame being good again? They went to the Fiesta Bowl this year and lost to...... ummmm.... Ohio State. Sorry, but it gets worse..... The Browns still stink, and the Steelers' won the SuperBowl. I wouldn't joke about that buddy..... seems like you still can't beat me! At least I wrote this in your favorite color. Miss ya.


Walk Away

Things are not going well in the relationship. No one here can argue that. We hardly talk, we never see each other, we don't have fun together, we don't laugh, we don't smile. We surely don't fool others. I don't make her feel warm and fuzzy. She feels no love. We don't hold hands. We barely kiss. We don't hold each other.It's not progressing. There is no future in this. We are good friends, but thats all. It sucks...... But, what comes next sucks even more = It's all my fault. I am cold, unattached.... a broken person who has no capability of doing this right. I care. Don't get me wrong. I care alot. I just can't watch her being miserable anymore. I can't see her be sad. Not when it is my fault. She deserves someone, anyone else. I can't make her happy. Someone needs to do it right. She is a great girl. I can't be selfish here..... so I open the door, so she can leave peacefully. Make sure she doesn't turn back. Love....


If you are ever looking for me on-line.... you can find me here at PokerRoom (You cannot beat me), or on Myspace, or on AIM (DjShawn112).... and go here for the most boring Blog ever......Berrrr!






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2 Comments:

Blogger Jhena said...

I think the start of the year isn't a good time for you. I do hope you're ok. It's been quite a while since I last visited blogs and it's kind 'a sad to see some blogs missing and others full of loneliness.

11:41 PM  
Blogger djshawn said...

I agree.

11:43 PM  

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